The true anchor of my soul

     I spoke with a brother in Christ from our church this past Saturday night, during a welcome home party for a soldier in our congregation who just returned from Afghanistan. He is not afraid of shedding tears. He asked how I was holding up in the recent loss of my step mom. When I thought to myself how I should verbalize this grief, a mental image came to mind. I told this brother, Andrew, how I felt like I was in an ocean of grief, with dark skies, and I was on a small boat in the middle of it, with no anchor, no paddle---just drifting aimlessly since the loss of my step mom. I acknowledged the truth: I know she is in Heaven, with God. That doesn't make me miss her comforting presence any less.

     Andrew's father is experiencing aggressive onset of some sort of Alzheimer's/senility conditions, and Andrew knows his father will pass soon in the coming years. We were both crying: he about his father's deterioration, and me for the loss of one of my spiritual anchors--my step mom. He truly blessed me, like a brother in Christ, because he wept while I wept. Andrew acknowledged and voiced the devastating feelings I experienced with the impact of the loss of one of my anchors, and saw the look on my face which betrayed the turbulence.

     The next morning (Sunday, April 14), right before I woke up, I vividly found myself in a dream of the exact scene of feelings that I described. Lost, in the middle of an ocean. In the boat. No paddle. Same dark skies. Same sense of forlorn...lostness. I felt as helpless as a child without a parent.

But suddenly, a figure appears not too far off. I couldn't describe what He looked like, but I know who He was. Jesus came walking on the water, right up to my boat. He Got in the boat. Then, He Paddled the boat Himself, to the shore. He helped me out of the boat, and Walked with me on the beach and took me to a large rock on the shore. Then, He sat down with me facing the ocean. 

     After that, I woke. As I woke up, it was the strongest reminder to me that He is with me, and will always take care of me, even during the grievous loss. That I am not truly alone. The reminder that He will come get me, at the most trying moments.

I was so excited that I told my children this dream as I drove to church; we were listening to "The Message" station on Satellite radio, and as I relayed the dream, the song "You Won't Let Go", by Michael W. Smith, began playing. I had never heard it before. In the song, he says "You are the anchor for my soul; you won't let go" and he speaks about storms, waves, etc!! The words were amazingly uncanny answers to the stormy feelings that were blindsiding me only the day before. He calmed that storm as well.

     In that dream, Jesus reminded me that He is the true anchor of my soul. He rescues me. He cares for me, and in the song, it was an overwhelming reminder that He truly is there. What an amazing God!!!! While the pain of Mary's loss is still there, it is quieted by this solemn, amazing truth---God sees, and He truly cares, and He will be with me no matter what!!! I was dumbfounded, truly. 

     Later that morning, I suddenly realized this was an answer to prayer. He caused me to remember my heart cry. In the previous Friday afternoon sunshine, only days before, the grief had particularly gripped me and the tears wouldn't stop. Wandering aimlessly in my living room, I stopped near my couch and just told God: I need a demonstration of your love. I need you to really show me, because my heart is so low, so broken. My heart ached, and inside I felt like a child crying continuously. This amazing God showed me over the weekend, through the love of family and friends, and a dream and a song, that He is most definitely there!!

Isaiah 65:24 "I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!" NLT

Isaiah 61:3 "and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" NIV

Psalms 42:8 "By day the LORD commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life."

This is another testimony, to Let all know that our God is mighty, and a sure and present help in times of trouble. I pray that I will always speak of the great deeds God has done personally, as a testimony to His unfailing love and steadfast mercy.

If you have never done it, I beg you to ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Then, watch and wait for it.

In honor of Mary Ann Biggerstaff 

Letting you go hungry, to humble you momentarily

Yes, he humbled you by letting you go hungry and then feeding you with manna, a food previously unknown to you and your ancestors. He did it to teach you that people do not live by bread alone; rather, we live by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. (Deuteronomy 8:3 NLT)

     I have been very blessed during this time of Lent as I read my daily Bible readings and the Bible reading plan from Lent: Mosaic plan as well. There is a strange correlation, not wholly clear but slowly tying together, as the readings from the Old and New Testaments coalesce. God planted the Garden and placed the man there:

"Then the Lord God planted a garden in Eden in the east, and there he placed the man he had made."(Genesis 2:8 NLT).

Later on, after the children of Israel had been in bondage to Egypt for hundreds of years, God seeks out Moses, calls him and commands him to go and tell Pharaoh 

"And they will listen to your voice, and you and the elders of Israel shall go to the king of Egypt and say to him, "The Lord, the God of the Hebrews, has met with us; and now, please let us go a three days' journey into the wilderness, that we may sacrifice to the Lord our God." (Exodus 3:18 ESV)

     Through many signs and miracles, God establishes His power and authority and brings the children of Israel out of Egypt, and to Him in the wilderness where He then tests them. He tests them so harshly that they long for the meat pots of Egypt, apparently forgetting the acerbity of their trials while there.

"And the whole congregation of the people of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness, and the people of Israel said to them, "Would that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the meat pots and ate bread to the full, for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger." (Exodus 16:2, 3 ESV) 

     At every trial, around every corner, God already had a path and plan laid ahead of time. He provided water every time there was a need: 

"When they came to Marah, they could not drink the water of Marah because it was bitter; therefore it was named Marah. And the people grumbled against Moses, saying, "What shall we drink?" And he cried to the Lord, and the Lord showed him a log, and he threw it into the water, and the water became sweet. There the Lord made for them a statute and a rule, and there he tested them, saying, "If you will diligently listen to the voice of the Lord your God, and do that which is right in his eyes, and give ear to his commandments and keep all his statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you that I put on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, your healer." (Exodus 15:23-26 ESV).

     Time after time, God proves Himself faithful. 

     Yet the people, not unlike us, were so very dull to learn. Despite turn after turn since before they even left Egypt, God had been with them, listening all along. I can't help but wondering what would have happened in the children of Israel's case, if they had done what God required- to learn to trust and live by every word that comes from the mouth of God, and not simply rely on bread alone for sustenance.

     In my foolish, youthful pride as I read these stories long ago, I used to think that if I saw the plagues of Egypt, if I saw the pillar of cloud and pillar of fire, if I saw the Red Sea being parted, if I saw Manna being rained down and clouds of quail being poured out---I used to think I would have reacted differently and "known better" than to grumble. After years of blundering along in my own mini "wildernesses" though, I have seen with my own eyes how foolish I was to even think that, because I am truly no different than the children of Israel. I'm just as thick headed. And God has been patient, and always proved Himself faithful though He tries my heart. How would I know He could be trusted to provide, if the affliction did not come?

     So, every day, we have a new opportunity to see for ourselves. Though we may not be wandering in a literal wilderness, we face our own trials, and are posed  the same questions. Our reactions, our hearts thoughts---whether we choose to grumble, or pray, can certainly make a difference. He has proved Himself faithful at each instance, whether we speak or complain too soon. 

     Therefore Paul's admonishment, like granite words, echoes the Spirit of what God seeks in us and can be relied on, like standing upon a rock.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV)

     What we see in the Valley is not the end. Like the Psalmist says, He is leading us through the Valley of the shadow of death. I do not think any of us can begin to imagine what the view will be like when we reach the Mountain top, especially during our afflictions, but take heart.

Like C. S. Lewis says:

"Further up, and further in!"