The true anchor of my soul

     I spoke with a brother in Christ from our church this past Saturday night, during a welcome home party for a soldier in our congregation who just returned from Afghanistan. He is not afraid of shedding tears. He asked how I was holding up in the recent loss of my step mom. When I thought to myself how I should verbalize this grief, a mental image came to mind. I told this brother, Andrew, how I felt like I was in an ocean of grief, with dark skies, and I was on a small boat in the middle of it, with no anchor, no paddle---just drifting aimlessly since the loss of my step mom. I acknowledged the truth: I know she is in Heaven, with God. That doesn't make me miss her comforting presence any less.

     Andrew's father is experiencing aggressive onset of some sort of Alzheimer's/senility conditions, and Andrew knows his father will pass soon in the coming years. We were both crying: he about his father's deterioration, and me for the loss of one of my spiritual anchors--my step mom. He truly blessed me, like a brother in Christ, because he wept while I wept. Andrew acknowledged and voiced the devastating feelings I experienced with the impact of the loss of one of my anchors, and saw the look on my face which betrayed the turbulence.

     The next morning (Sunday, April 14), right before I woke up, I vividly found myself in a dream of the exact scene of feelings that I described. Lost, in the middle of an ocean. In the boat. No paddle. Same dark skies. Same sense of forlorn...lostness. I felt as helpless as a child without a parent.

But suddenly, a figure appears not too far off. I couldn't describe what He looked like, but I know who He was. Jesus came walking on the water, right up to my boat. He Got in the boat. Then, He Paddled the boat Himself, to the shore. He helped me out of the boat, and Walked with me on the beach and took me to a large rock on the shore. Then, He sat down with me facing the ocean. 

     After that, I woke. As I woke up, it was the strongest reminder to me that He is with me, and will always take care of me, even during the grievous loss. That I am not truly alone. The reminder that He will come get me, at the most trying moments.

I was so excited that I told my children this dream as I drove to church; we were listening to "The Message" station on Satellite radio, and as I relayed the dream, the song "You Won't Let Go", by Michael W. Smith, began playing. I had never heard it before. In the song, he says "You are the anchor for my soul; you won't let go" and he speaks about storms, waves, etc!! The words were amazingly uncanny answers to the stormy feelings that were blindsiding me only the day before. He calmed that storm as well.

     In that dream, Jesus reminded me that He is the true anchor of my soul. He rescues me. He cares for me, and in the song, it was an overwhelming reminder that He truly is there. What an amazing God!!!! While the pain of Mary's loss is still there, it is quieted by this solemn, amazing truth---God sees, and He truly cares, and He will be with me no matter what!!! I was dumbfounded, truly. 

     Later that morning, I suddenly realized this was an answer to prayer. He caused me to remember my heart cry. In the previous Friday afternoon sunshine, only days before, the grief had particularly gripped me and the tears wouldn't stop. Wandering aimlessly in my living room, I stopped near my couch and just told God: I need a demonstration of your love. I need you to really show me, because my heart is so low, so broken. My heart ached, and inside I felt like a child crying continuously. This amazing God showed me over the weekend, through the love of family and friends, and a dream and a song, that He is most definitely there!!

Isaiah 65:24 "I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!" NLT

Isaiah 61:3 "and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" NIV

Psalms 42:8 "By day the LORD commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life."

This is another testimony, to Let all know that our God is mighty, and a sure and present help in times of trouble. I pray that I will always speak of the great deeds God has done personally, as a testimony to His unfailing love and steadfast mercy.

If you have never done it, I beg you to ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Then, watch and wait for it.

In honor of Mary Ann Biggerstaff 

Finding Lost Things

     Here is my next Ebenezer stone, and we have many of these. I say "we" for I have to include my family on this, because they are gathering their own stones on this particular topic.
     We lose things. We lose a lot of things. Toys. Keys. Cell phones. Nintendo DS's. Library books. Food. Files. Jump drives. IRS tax documents. Resumes. Buttons. Bills. Glasses. Tweezers. Passwords. Bug spray. I frequently leave that somewhere. Oh, and toe nail clippers. Don't forget those. You name it. We've probably lost it.
    Quite a few years ago, however, we got into the habit of praying to find things. It probably started out of desperation over the fear of astronomical library late fees, but regardless, pray we did. We would ask Jesus to please help us remember where _____ was, and thank Him ahead of time for helping to show us or bring it to our memory. "If you have faith like a child..." You know?
     I always thought it was really cool that our subconscious minds purportedly remember everything, including all our senses, from every moment of our lives. So, if something is lost, simply because our conscious minds happen to "forget" where it is, then theoretically somewhere in that lovely subconscious is the object, immortalized and standing there, right under our proverbial souls' nose, if you will...That delighted me, and so employing my child-like faith, I delight to ask Our Father where the object is. How He shows us is sometimes very funny. I love irony, and I do believe God employs that majestically in these cases as well.

     My husband and children employ the strategy, with great results. I love to hear about the items found. The jump drive remembered. The DS, suddenly discovered after weeks of being lost, turns up in the trunk of the car and Mario *Jack* Andretti Cart is once again gleefully played. Lost allowance was the latest refound item: after almost 2 days of not being able to find a months' worth of allowance, and praying to find it, our daughter discovered her little pink key chain change keeper, attached to her sandals in our entry way closet, of all places, while she was looking for sandals. Who would have thought? We give thanks to Christ, for all the little things, because those little things add up to a big faith when one takes stock of all the times He has cared for even the tiniest of needs.
   
     So, I have to share my favorite lost and found story, because it is just the most comical and the longest item lost. I can't say that I didn't give up hope we would ever find this.
     It's the story of the lost library book.
     Being home schoolers, we rely heavily on the county library system. We are quite the regulars, are familiar with the library workers, and love to inter-library loan. I can find all sorts of gems through the electronic card catalog, and we enjoy utilizing it to fulfill reading lists.
     Hence, a notorious book was lost. Can't remember the name, but it was nonfiction, to explore some historical aspect of the curriculum we were studying. It was discovered to be lost, however, on the due date, even though I swore I collected all the books (even counting them to compare to the number online that the library said I had checked out), and could have been sure I turned it in with the others days before.
     So, I did what any sane person in that predicament would do. I "checked it out" again, by renewing it online. Simple click of a button, and there you have it: 3 more weeks time are bought, and you hope you find it in the mean time.
     But something in the back of my head nagged me, that I had turned it in, along with all the other books, originally. Anyhow, I prayed and searched for the book, and waited.
     The book did not show up. I repeated this process for almost 6 months, growing more frustrated and more frustrated. I begged the kids to find it. I scoured the house. I tried to bribe them with money. I tried everything, including searching obscure ridiculous locations everywhere, for the lost nonfiction juvenile book. All to no avail.
     Eventually I gave up the hunt, and asked how much it would cost to pay the lost item fee. It was definitely not ideal, but that book was not showing up, so I figured it was time to face the music.
     It was during my last round of "renewing" the book online, that the children and I were in a small town on the other side of the county that we used to frequent when we lived on that side of town. While we were there, we decided to go back and visit our old library and see one of our favorite librarians who had always been so kind. Plus, it wouldn't hurt to check out a few books, notorious late book loser that I was.
     We saw the librarian and enjoyed catching up, then began to peruse the books. Our boys love comic book collections, so we went into the adult book section and walking leisurely around when behold, a book was sticking out of a shelf obtrusively. I will put it this way: if my hair had been in my face like it so often is, I could have run into it at eye level. I stopped to peer at the book and then adjust it back onto the shelf, and discovered shockingly that it was the famous book. The long lost book. There it was, shelved incorrectly at the library across town from the library it was obtained from, and just as ill-placed as it could be. Directly in front of me.
     I burst out laughing. Almost a belly laugh. I turned it over and over, and held it up in the air like the Holy Grail. I called the boys to come over and see, that yes indeed, it was the correct book. Gathering them and the baby at the time, we marched triumphantly over to the desk, and politely asked if we could check on the book's status. The librarian obliged and commented that it was still checked out, and I immediately said I would like to check it back in, barely containing the hilarity. I could not help but wonder aloud how that could have all happened, but gathering from speculation, we surmised that someone must have thought they checked the book in and was mistaken. That it was still placed on the shelf, in the wrong library no less, but I just happened to choose to visit that day, was epic.
     At that point, I didn't really care for vindication or anything; I was just glad to see it come and very shortly go. The irony was exceedingly amusing: I couldn't believe that of all places, it was actually back at a library, all that time. The great book hunt was over. I was cleared, and I apologized to the kids for harassing them to find a book that was not in our possession.
     I have probably lost things and not been able to find them, but for the life of me I can't recall anything of significance.
     The experience of almost 6 months of the case of the missing library book taught me that no matter how lost something is, God can make it show up, to the right person at the right time, in unbelievable ways. He is simply amazing. He cares about even the smallest of things. I won't ever forget, and if I do, I hope and pray the boys will remind me. We still giggle about it because we have an inconvenient experience over book returns, that in the end, still makes us pause to glorify God Himself. I like to think that He was setting that book apart for the work He had planned, to simply bring me to consider. If He would go to that much trouble to help me find a library book, how much does that demonstrate the vastness of Our Father's love?